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Courting the Mystery

Art and Writing from an Unchosen Life

Hello and welcome🩶

This site has come together as I’m turning a corner, but I’m not sure exactly what’s around that corner yet. What I share here comes from my reckoning and digestion of years of struggle. For close to 20 years, I was drowning in grief and developmental trauma that was not properly identified. I was in incredible pain over losing friends to their family making, over my own grief of being single and childless. I was trying everything possible to stop the triggers, flooding and spiralling that was happening regularly and impacting my relationships, my work and my sense of self. I was also overwhelmed by the impact intergeneration trauma was having within my family. What I share here comes from all of this.

Although I feel like I’ve turned a corner, I can’t say that I resonate with some idea of an “other side.” I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore, but l don’t identify with a sense of overcoming something or of some hero’s journey that has a magical transformed emergence that marks the end of something and the beginning of something new. For years, I was so attached to the magical ending or cure. I was striving towards a destination that doesn’t seem to exist. I no longer feel like the incredibly out of control freak that I did, but life is still life and the grief over the impact of those years is still with me. Limitations, disappointments, losses, fears, edges, insecurities, parts and the mundane are still here to have a relationship with, Although I call my life an unchosen one, it is also beautiful, blessed and meaningful. The beauty and the blessing doesn’t take away the pain. My wholeness and sanity depend on all being welcome. 

I have a natural inclination towards growth, purpose and meaning, but I’m critical of a culture that wants us to move as quickly as possible to them, or assumes that they are always the answer. They can be the thing we wrestle with, they can disappear or not be part of our experience. During the years I was struggling, the mainstream’s focus on growth, positivity and controlling ones thoughts; the new age manifestation obsession; and the ascension focused spiritual world were all in some ways harmful to me. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for these, but they’re not even close to the whole story. I’ve become more interested in how we live in what Meghan Devine calls “the goo,” or in what David Whyte calls “that fierce embrace.” Those places of love and limitation – impossible situations where our heart is on the cross, the places where we’re mastered, (heart)broken, adrift. I’m interested in how we move through these places, how we support ourselves and others here. I’m awed by the life force that somehow keeps us moving one step at a time at the worst of times.

I’ve always been comfortable with and appreciated the serious and the melancholic, though I fought it because I thought it was wrong and bad. It was in 2018 after a number of triggering events occurred, that I can say I really got pulled into the underworld. It grabbed me and its been both challenging and rich. I don’t want to romanticize these places – sometimes these places are deep teachers and other times, they are cruel and horrific. They can be both, one or many things in between. But being pulled under really changed me, changed the way I see the world, and it will always be with me. 

The name for this site comes first from my utter fascination with the mysteries of life. Why are we here? Is there a purpose to it? Why are we each walking the path we are? Why are some walking paths of checking the boxes or seeming to be powerful manifestors or “masters” at life, while others are walking equal measure not and possibly facing some of Earth’s most devastating realities? Is there something more? I believe I came here for the journey I’ve had, it gives me strength and purpose, but I also love to sit in the ‘I don’t know’ of it. The mystery is also about the unknown and learning to live mostly from that place. ‘I don’t know’ has gone from the worst place ever to a soothing balm at times and a humbling reminder at other times. “Courting” comes from the work of Francis Weller. He says we must court and befriend grief, to care for it as a companion. 

I’ve realized that what I was yearning for and seeking for years, was wisdom teachers and guides. People who know how to live with what can’t be fixed with humility and grace. And I feel like I found them. Gratitude to V, B and D, and the many other therapists and healers who have supported me over the years. Gratitude to JZ whose teachings are woven through my words. And finally, gratitude to the childless not by choice community, and especially the single women who are speaking honestly about their experience. Finding you helped begin to melt what felt like lifetimes of shame.